Damaged
by MorganHlaalu
Summary: Rate for rape, abuse, and sex. Songfic to TLC, Damaged. Rogue's been damaged. Who'll be there to fix her? Rogan, R/B


~Prologue~  
  
I cried out as I was thrown across the room. I choked back a sob. He was drunk, and when he was drunk he was violent, and when he was violent he reacted to a lot of things badly, and one of them was me crying. He hated it when I cried.   
  
But maybe he saw the jerk my throat and shoulders gave, or maybe he heard it in my chest, or maybe he smelled it on me. It didn't matter. It just mattered that there was a small shhing! and a claw was pressed up under my chin. I froze and craned my neck up as high as it would go, trying desperately to escape the claw, but it stayed, as if glued to my skin. I could feel a pressure under my tongue, making it a little hard to breathe, and I wondered why the claw hadn't sliced through my skin yet. He stared into my eyes, fury evident in his eyes and in his bared teeth. Then, shing!, he retracted the lone claw and threw me across the room again. He came after me and grabbed me and punched me in the stomach, then slapped me on the face. He then threw me against a wall and started undoing my pants. I knew what he was doing and I wanted to stop him, but I knew that it would only be worse if I tried to retaliate. But I could try words. They had failed in the past, but they had also succeeded, and what choice did I really have?  
  
"Please...stop...please..."  
  
I was rewarded with a hard slam back into the wall. My back hurt but I didn't say anything.   
  
"Shut up, bitch!" He pulled my pants and panties down over my hips, then started on his own jeans. He threw me to the floor and laid over me. I wanted to move or push him off but he was so heavy and I was so small and it just wasn't possible, not for me. I was constantly worried he was going to break one of my bones when this happened, but it hadn't happened yet, he hadn't hurt me enough for someone to come free me from this nightmare. He searched and found his target. He pushed forward hard, frightening both of us. He looked down into my scared eyes, and for a minute I thought he would realize what he was doing. But then his eyes clouded over with drink and rage again and he started plunging in, over and over, each thrust harder than the last. He moaned some woman's name that I didn't know and came with one last thrust and I felt his rage flow inside me. He got up and went into the other room with the bed, presumably to sleep away the drunk and angry in him. I would get up and get in the shower and wash up, and I won't let myself think about it. And I will debate whether to stay or go, and I have always made the same decision in the past.  
  
But not this time.  
  
I know I'm kinda strange, to you sometimes  
  
Don't always say, what's on my mind  
  
You know that I've been hurt, by some guy  
  
But I don't wanna mess up this time  
  
I swung the door open like I had done so many times before. The Professor was already there, smiling a small, sad smile.  
  
"Welcome back, Rogue."  
  
And I really really really care  
  
And I really really really want you  
  
And I think I'm kinda scared  
  
Cos I don't want to lose you  
  
If you're really really really there  
  
Then maybe you can hang through  
  
I hope you understand  
  
It's nothing to you  
  
No one talked to me my first week. And I didn't talk to anyone. They all saw my bruises and the way I flinched every time someone raised a hand. They all noticed my absence from almost everything but meals. They all noticed how much weight I had lost in the past six months. They all saw how I reacted when Storm put a hand on my shoulder or Jean touched my hand. I sat on my bed and remembered that, the memory tinged with bitter. Storm had touched my shoulder and within a second I had spun around, knocked my chair over, dropped to the floor, and was delivering a kick to her legs. She was on the floor before I got a hold of myself. I stood there for about a minute, the entire dining room staring at me, Storm still on her side on the floor, looking shocked. I didn't even help her up before racing from the room.   
  
But then it changed. Bobby Drake, Iceman, came up to me my eighth day there.  
  
"Hey, Rogue, what's up?" he had said cheerily. Like nothing had changed. Like I had never left at all. And somehow I preferred this to the antisocial hermit I had been the past week. We talked that day, really talked. He brought me up to speed on everything that had been going on in the Mansion since I had left with Logan six months ago, and we just talked about everything and nothing. It was the first real conversation I had had since before I left. Bobby dropped several hints telling me that he was there for me if I needed to talk or needed a shoulder to cry on, which I appreciated. I knew why he was doing it too, thinking back on our relationship when we were seventeen and I was a little more green. But, I had to wonder, once he got to know the person I had become...  
  
Could he really still want me?  
  
My heart's at a low  
  
I'm so much to manage  
  
I think you should know that  
  
I've been damaged  
  
I'm falling in love  
  
There's one disadvantage  
  
I think you should know that   
  
I've been damaged  
  
Over the next few weeks, I really grew to love Bobby. More than I ever had Logan, and more than I had when we were teenagers. And I knew he felt the same. But I still wasn't ready for a relationship. I could tell that it hurt him when he went to put his arm around my shoulders and I shrank away, or he reached across me for the TV remote and I stiffened in fear. I could tell he was getting frustrated with all of this not knowing what I had been through, what had happened to me. So I decided to tell him.  
  
I put out word with our friends (and they were, too. Slowly becoming my friends again.) that I wanted to see him. He eventually showed up and I had him sit down on my bed, and before I even started talking, the tears started to flow. I told him everything. I told him how drunk Logan would get, how he would throw me around, how he would hit me. How he would rape me. And then how he would take me to bed and make love to me softly and expect me to forget, even as his claws strained against the skin when I shrank away from his touch.   
  
At one point, I started crying too hard to keep talking, and Bobby reached out and put his arms around me. I crawled into them instead of pulling away from them, and for a long time, he just held me and let me cry, sometimes rocking gently back and forth, sometimes whispering soothing words, sometimes just sitting. But eventually it tapered off long enough for me to say the rest of it.  
  
"And so you see," I started to wrap up, "I'm not the same person I was two years ago, I'm not the person you knew six months ago. I know, I *know*, that you think that we're going to get back together and you're going to have back Marie D'Acanto, Girlfriend of Bobby, Little Sister of Logan, Protege of Professor Charles Xavier. But that isn't me anymore. I wish, so so so much, that it was, but it's not." This was starting to drag longer than I had intended, but I didn''t care, I needed this out, out of me, out in the open. "I would love to be the untouchable little sister with the sweet boyfriend and the incredibly powerful mentor. But now I'm Rogue, the girl with the memories of three different men running around in her head, who withstood six months of basically nightly beatings and rapes. Have you seen the bruises? Yeah, you saw the ones on my face, but you don't even know how many I had on my body when I came here. I have scars *everywhere*, arms, legs, torso, everywhere! From Logan's claws and from a knife! I can tell you how many times I've tried to kill myself in the past six months, how I tried to do it, and why it backfired each time." I was losing steam by now, having been pacing around my room and gesturing wildly. I sat down on the bed and my voice took on a depressed tone. "I'm damaged goods, Bobby. I'm too high-maitenance. My heart is shattered, and it's too far gone to fix. I am falling in love with you, Bobby, I admit that. But we have too much of a disadvantage. I'm sorry."  
  
I might look through your stuff, for what I don't wanna find  
  
Or I might just set you up, to see if you're all mine  
  
I'm a little paranoid, from what I've been through  
  
Don't know what you got yourself into  
  
I don't know what happened. I probably never will. All I know is that what couldn't have been five minutes later, I was in Bobby's lap and we were kissing so feircely I couldn't have breathed if I wanted to. I was pressing my body against his eagerly and Bobby's hand was traveling up my top and all of a sudden it was all too much and after that all I remember is Bobby's panicked voice calling my name as everything faded into blackness.  
  
And I really really really care  
  
And I really really really want you  
  
And I think I'm kinda scared  
  
Cos I don't want to lose you  
  
If you're really really really there  
  
Then maybe you can hang through  
  
I hope you understand  
  
It's nothing to you  
  
I woke up in the infirmary. I had a vague sense of someone else in the room, moving around. Next thing I knew, I was partially sitting up, a hand between my shoulder blades, and sipping at a glass of water being held to my mouth. I swallowed enough to satisfy the mystery person and was allowed to lay down again.   
  
"What happened?" I asked groggily.  
  
"You passed out," Jean's voice told me. I squinted at a shape above me and she came into focus. "From what Bobby told me, I think you had a panic attack. According to him, you were on his lap, you two were kissing, and out of nowhere you pulled away from him, fell on the floor, and passed out shaking. You also lost control of your mutation and absorbed him for a few seconds before you fell away, something that was to the point of never happening when you left." Jean had started walking around at this point, but she came back to talk to me directly. "I have a theory. I think that you, or Bobby, or both of you, were getting just a little too enthusiastic and something reminded you of Logan. That triggered all kinds of bad memories you have of Logan and what he put you through which triggered a panic attack. I would suggest taking it slow. Don't do anything for awhile, don't even kiss him til you're sure you can handle it. And if you find yourself having a panic attack, just breathe slowly and stop whatever it is that's giving you a panic attack and wait for it to pass. If they start coming without any kind of trigger like this, talk to me and I can give you a medication to stop them." Jean started walking around again. "Now get up and go see Bobby and the Professor. They're waiting right outside the door."  
  
My heart's at a low  
  
I'm so much to manage  
  
I think you should know that  
  
I've been damaged  
  
I'm falling in love  
  
There's one disadvantage  
  
I think you should know that   
  
I've been damaged  
  
We were walking back to my room in an awkward silence. The Professor had given us basically the same speech Jean had given me and told us we could go. We reached my door and stopped on either side of it, still in an awkward silence. we stood there for about a minute before either of us spoke.  
  
"I'm sorry," he said abruptly.  
  
"It wasn't your fault."  
  
"Yes it was, I shouldn't have-"  
  
He barely had time to breathe before I basically leaped forward, kissing him deeply, longing for the kind of love in a kiss that I hadn't felt in a long time. He responded eagerly, causing me to press forward even more aggressively. We managed to get my door open and to get into my room and slam the door behind us. We stumbled across the room and fell onto my bed. I wanted him, I wanted him badly, but I got scared at the mere thought of sex, so I knew it wouldn't happen for awhile.  
  
"Bobby, are you sure about this?" I breathed. "I mean, you really don't know what you're getting yourself into. If my memory of Logan doesn't destroy the relationship, my fear of sex will...oh, god, Bobby..."  
  
"Rogue, we don't need sex for us to survive. Didn't being together without being able to touch each other two years ago teach you that?"   
  
I was too caught up in kissing him to answer. We kissed feircely for at least another hour till I fell against the bed, tired and content, lips swollen and bruised. Bobby turned on his side to look at me and propped himself on his elbow. He ran his fingers along my face and damned if he wasn't playing with the white streak. I shifted so I was facing him and inched forward till I was close enough to kiss him. It was lazy and sloppy and comfortable and perfect.   
  
We spent the night like that. Just laying on our sides and kissing and watching each other and smiling at each other and just *being.* Not even in the beginning had I been able to do anything like that with Logan. I assume that at some point we slept, I don't know. I think we drifted in and out of sleep during the whole night and the next day. People probably noticed that we were missing from meals, but we didn't really notice or care. Or at least I didn't. All I cared about was that my heart had been broken, but I had found someone more than willing to pick up the peices.  
  
My heart's at a low  
  
I'm so much to manage  
  
I think you should know that  
  
I've been damaged  
  
I'm falling in love  
  
There's one disadvantage  
  
I think you should know that   
  
I've been damaged  
  
I know I drove Bobby crazy over the next few months, but he never said anything. I would go through the phone book on his cell phone and change or delete the numbers of women I didn't know. He quickly learned to commit the important ones to memory. I would get Jubilee or Kitty or even better, a younger student to seduce him and see if he took the bait, trying to catch him being unfaithful to me. I was paranoid, and sometimes it took on a jealous tone, like the setups and searches. And sometimes it took on a more fearful tone, like when Bobby would find me crying hysterically on my bed muttering nonsensically about him not wanting me, about nobody wanting me, and he would have to hold me and reassure me till I fell asleep, because that was the only thing that would calm me. And slowly we built up a trust, and I was setting him up and searching for unfaithfulness less and less, and crying myself to sleep in his arms less and less, and slowly we got closer to normal. And Bobby was the perfect gentleman. He never went further than I told him I was ready for, no matter how frustrating it was. And if I told him I was ready for soemthing which it turned out I wasn't, I told him, and he immediately stopped and wouldn't start again till I told him to.   
  
Yes, I drove him crazy for those few months.  
  
But he never said a word.  
  
And I really really really want you  
  
And I think I'm kinda scared  
  
Cos I don't want to lose you  
  
If you're really really really there  
  
Then maybe you can hang through  
  
I hope you understand  
  
It's nothing to you  
  
Slowly I expanded my comfort zone to what it had been. First I let him put a hand up my shirt, and then I let him be on top when we were in bed kissing (previously, we always had to be side to side or me on top, or else I felt trapped and had a panic attack), and on it continued. Until I felt ready to take the big step.   
  
I wanted to let him make love to me.  
  
My heart's at a low  
  
I'm so much to manage  
  
I think you should know that  
  
I've been damaged  
  
I'm falling in love  
  
There's one disadvantage  
  
I think you should know that   
  
I've been damaged   
  
I still remember everything about that first time. I remember how awkward I felt telling him and how, once he got what I was saying, took hold of me and kissed me in that way that told me he understood perfectly. We went back to my room that night and locked into a kiss, as usual. But that was where the "as usual" ended. We pulled away just long enough for Bobby to pull my shirt off, and he gave me a hot stare before moving back in to claim my mouth with his. All I could think was that he wasn't living up to his nickname very well as his hot fingers skimmed my hips, my arms, my shoulders, and up my neck to cup my face. I ran my hands down his naked chest (when did that happen?), down his stomach, to his jeans and lower. He moaned and nibbled my lip softly, moving his hands back down my body to my hips, rubbing them and pulling at the offending denim there. He unfastened my jeans and was working them over my hips, but we fell onto the bed at that point and I had to kick and help him get my jeans finally off. He kicked his own jeans off and moved his tongue in and out of my mouth, imitating the act we both wanted so much at this point, subconsciously asking again for my approval. I managed to insinuate a hand between us and popped open the clasp in the front of my bra in response. He smiled as I shed the garment completely and started working determinedly at the snaps on his boxers. He grabbed my hands, stilling them, and spoke.  
  
"Do you need to be on top? I don't wanna scare you or anything, because a panic attack during sex would kinda suck. Not to mention hard to explain when I showed up in Jean's office naked."  
  
I laughed a little and thanked Kali for Bobby's, well, Bobbyness. "I think top is a good idea for this first time, but maybe you can have top for round 2," I said, knowing the round 2 comment would drive him wild. I was right as he gulped, nodded, and attacked me with his mouth. We shifted and rolled and maneuvered till I was straddling Bobby's hips and his erection was pressing up at me. I was so sure he was going to swallow his tongue when I undid his boxers the rest of the way and shed my own underwear. I closed my eyes and felt him gasp as I slowly slid down onto him. I couldn't help thinking that he felt different from Logan. Not bigger or smaller, necessarily, just...different. I forced Logan from my mind and moaned as he gripped my hips and moved me up and down a few times. I felt the slow burn beginning inside and, in a detached kind of way, noticed my breathing picking up. I moved up and down and rocked back and forth for awhile, Bobby whispering words of comfort and love and encouragement the whole time. It was all panting and breathy moans and soft groans and shuddering gasps. Fireworks exploded behind my eyes as I tumbled over the edge and felt Bobby's seed fill me. I licked my dry lips and slumped over onto Bobby's chest, relaxing as I felt his arms going around me. I vaguely felt a blanket go over us and half-smiled against Bobby's chest.  
  
"I don't wanna lose you, but you don't know what you've gotten yourself into," I mumbled vaguely just before dropping off.  
  
"I think I can hang through," he told me. Suddenly wide awake, I picked my head up and looked him in the eye.  
  
"Never leave."  
  
"I won't."  
  
My heart's at a low  
  
I'm so much to manage  
  
I think you should know that  
  
I've been damaged  
  
I'm falling in love  
  
There's one disadvantage  
  
I think you should know that   
  
I've been damaged 


End file.
